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Easy Money

Looks like someone figured out what’s inside my wallet.

He always tries to grab it at the store when I take it out to pay at the checkout line.

I’m no fool (I’m a total fool), he knows damn well what’s going on.

"Well Dad, if you're not going to buy my the entire series of Bubble Guppies on blu-ray, I'll just have to do it myself."

“Well Dad, if you’re not going to buy me the entire series of Bubble Guppies on blu-ray, I’ll just have to do it myself.”

If he wasn’t literally eating his way through my checking account, maybe he’d have something here.

 

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Squirrel Patrol

Sometimes I wonder if Milo takes after me, my wife, or my dog.

Since we got our dog, Sophie, more than four years ago, she has always loved sitting in the front doorway growling at squirrels and other neighborhood wildlife.  Her ears pinned back and watching their every move, she will patiently sit for hours on end chomping at the bit, waiting for the screen door to magically bust open so she can finally make her big catch.

As Milo got old enough to stand up by shimmying his hands up along the glass door, he found the squirrels just as amusing.  As this seems normal for him to be interested in animals running around just outside of our house, it’s what developed soon after noticing them that had my wife and I rolling in laughter.

He yells at them and beats on the door repeatedly for a large chunk of the afternoon.  With Sophie by his side, they both yelp and watch squirrels instead of playing with their toys.  Milo already has more toys than I ever had in my entire childhood, but he’d rather man his post at the front door, protecting us from a rodent invasion.

I guess that’s a good thing, though.  I hope he’s an outdoorsy kid.  Almost nothing bothers me more than seeing kids buried in their Nintendo DS, unaware that “outside” even exists.

Anyway, I wonder if in his own language,  he’s saying “Get off my lawn or I’ll run you over with my bubble lawn mower!” or if he just wants to play.  I guess I’ll find out sooner than later when he starts talking, but until then I’ll wonder if he thinks he’s a dog as Sophie and Milo sit side by side, barking and howling at furry moving objects in the front yard.

Holy Crap, Finally!

So it’s been a while.   Way too long for that matter.

I had some technical issues with the site, health issues, my son’s birthday craziness, and job interviews this past month, and couldn’t get anything going with the site. Now that we’re back up and running, I’ll be posting just about every day.

Until starting this blog, my skills on the internet consisted of fumbling through Facebook and reading sports articles, and dammit, I’m the best sports article reader one might ever encounter.  Needless to say, I knew less about website creation than my 83 year old grandpa who calls shortly after sending me an email,  just to make sure I got it.

Now that I’ve thrown this blog together, I’d like to think I’m on par with my grandpa’s knowledge, or lack thereof, regarding the internet and computers in general.  With that being said, I’m at the point where I should be able to put together a handful of new posts a week, and hopefully grow this little blog in the process.

Things are finally back in order, and thanks in advance for reading!

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Hospital Tips for New Dads

While the memories are still fresh from what it was like staying in the hospital while Milo was born, I’ve compiled a short list of tips that are going to help you along!

1) Pack Comfortably for the Hospital

There are two reasons for this.

A, Labor could last for 2 hours or 2 days.  The average for a first baby is around 12 hours, but I know plenty of people who have stayed overnight and then some BEFORE the baby even came!  Most hospitals really don’t provide extra bedding in the birthing room.  We were apparently in a new updated room and all we had were a few chairs, a tiny couch, and a coffee table.

B, Dads are treated like visitors.  My wife had a c-section after 13 hours of labor.  After the little guy was born and cleaned, we were moved to our room where we stayed for 4 more nights while she recovered.  There was one bed for my wife, and a couch.  I had to use extra hospital bed sheets to use as my own sheets.  There were no extra pillows, so I used couch pillows for the first two nights.  I was just a visitor in the way.  Yeah, dads are just there to bring Mom water.

2) Speaking of Water….

Bring your child’s mother water, even if they don’t ask for it.  They are tired and thirsty, and don’t want to have to ask for water.  Nurses will be in and out of the room 3 times an hour all day and night doing tests and checking up.  And if they dare ask to bring her water, don’t let them.  Otherwise we’re just a fly on the wall in a room of women talking about things dads have no idea about.  So yeah,  water…and refills,  all the time.  Try to mean something.

3) Find the Cafeteria

There will be times when you just have to get away.  The room is tiny, nurses barge into the room at all hours of the night, mom just wants to sleep or hold the baby, and you need to get out and stretch your legs a little.  Oh, and the food service to your room is slim pickin’s and overpriced.  Most decent hospitals have cafeterias with all types of good food (Of course, the food could have been terrible but chicken strips at 3am sounded amazing when starving and tired).  Make sure to head down there once or twice a day and chill out for a little bit.

4) Invite Visitors

After a couple days in a tiny room with your baby, you’re going to want to see familiar faces.  We spent 4 nights or so in there.  I don’t think I could thank my friends and family enough for coming up to hang out and meet Milo.  You can only escape to the cafeteria so many times before people start to look at you weird, so having people stop by to chill for a while is a must.  Plus, you can tell which of your friends and family are worthy of watching your kiddo based on how they are with him when they visit.  If you can hold my newborn baby without being told how to do it properly, you sure as hell can watch him when he’s able to hold his head up on his own.  I know I could never do it right until I had one of my own, and even then I still fumbled around a bit at first.

5) Get Involved

For as much as you can’t do, there are plenty of things you can do.  In fact, dad’s are in charge of diapers from day one.  I had never changed a diaper in my life before Milo, but it’s kind of awesome knowing that I was the first person to ever change him.  Since mom can’t get up for a while, you will wear many hats.  You’re the diaper changer, AC temperature controller, TV channel changer, water fetcher, food orderer, etc.  It’s not glamorous work, but whatever helps mom out will help you out.  Trust me.  There are plenty of things to do around that tiny hospital room, and I advise all dads to get as involved as you can.  You’re a dad now, so you might as well dig in and get your hands dirty.  Literally.

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Everything Can’t Be Epic

“How was school today son.”

“I was sent to the principal’s office for saying ‘epic’ in Science class,” Milo will say.

“Well how did you use the word?”  I’ll respond.

“Whoa! That was an epic explosion!” he’ll say.

“Geez son, that word was banned from the English language 15 years ago.  Unless you’re talking about a heroic adventure, you can get in big trouble for that!”

“Why is it banned Dad?”  Milo asks.

“Because too many frat boys said ‘Dude, that’s epic!’ and ‘Epic fail!’ and ‘I was at this pretty epic party last weekend.’

“First of all, something can’t be pretty epic.  It either is or it isn’t, and I’m willing to bet it isn’t.  Second of all, unless you’re talking about a hero saving the world, you’re not even using it right.

ep·ic
ˈepik/
noun
  1. a long poem, typically one derived from ancient oral tradition, narrating the deeds and adventures of heroic or legendary figures or the history of a nation.

“You can’t have an epic toothbrush, or an epic pair of dress slacks.  You just cant.   If the dress slacks are epic, then where does the moon landing rank? Totally epic? That’s so stupid I can’t even comprehend what I just told you.  Its overuse and misuse is what got the word shunned from society.”

“There are so many things that are actually pretty neat nowadays, that it’s hard for you kids to be amazed at all anymore.  9-year-olds have cell phones that do more than I ever thought a computer could do.  Video games look like you are literally standing in the middle of a real war zone.  Now we can have every song we could ever imagine packed onto a device the size of a business card.

“Kids used words like epic to make regular stuff sound amazing and unbelievable, but in reality, they just needed to find a hobby that didn’t involve checking their Twitter accounts for made up news relating to Miley Cyrus or One Direction.  They forgot how to go outside and ride a bike, and shoot some hoops at the park.

“See, when I was in middle school and high school, epic wasn’t a word used to describe everyday things.  We went out and made the fun happen.  Social networking meant going to friends’ houses, being a mall rat, and playing football at the park.

“Too many kids just sat around waiting for something amazing to happen, and when nothing happened, they got confused.  They started labeling random things ‘epic’ to make their lives appear way cooler than it was.

“The point is, Milo, to something you truly love.  That way when something  amazing actually happens, you won’t miss it.  Now go to your room and marinate on that for a while.”

 

 

No Control

My son views the TV remote as his most prized “toy” in the house.  I have very little control over the remote anymore, as he always finds a way to get his paws on it while I’m not paying attention.  He’s in charge of what gets watched, recorded, and deleted from my DVR.

Last week he almost deleted 96 recorded episodes of my favorite TV show that I’ve been recording for months.

Last night he taped a women’s college basketball game.

This morning he flipped it to ‘Classic Rock Workout’ and started dancing (at least what he thought was dancing) to Black Sabbath.

I wonder what he’ll have me watch tonight.

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Finding Bigfoot

Yes, this is an actual television show.  It airs on Animal Planet.

You mean Syfy Network?

No.  Animal Planet.

Freaking ANIMAL PLANET!

Being a dad now, I don’t get much time to myself anymore, so when I put my son down for a nap, I either nap too or I try get the most out of my time with the things I want to do.  Sometimes, though, I just want to veg out and watch some TV while I get a little break here and there.

I was scrolling through my channel guide while the little guy was napping,  and saw this program on the listing.  I thought to myself,  ”Cool, someone found a large weird looking mutated dead animal and now scientists and animal experts are trying to find out what kind of animal it really is and what happened to it.”  Let’s watch!

I flipped to it.  I watched.  I processed. I was fooled.

Boy, was I fooled.  This couldn’t be more than a one time silly show just for fun, peppered into a lineup of educational programming, right?

Wrong.

Finding Bigfoot is not only an entire series, it has four effing seasons filled with footage of four lunatics that spend their waking lives trying to find Chewbacca in the flesh.

Did the big shots at Animal Planet think there wasn’t enough buzz surrounding Bigfoot, and that this show is exactly what the people needed to regain interest?  Apparently so, because sadly this train wreck of a program is wildly popular.

From what I gather, a few self-proclaimed Bigfoot experts go around interviewing backwoods rednecks that obviously just want to get paid for being on TV.  Every last one of these hillbillies say they believe for certain that Bigfoot lives in their neck of the woods.   Easily convinced, the crew believes every word and decides to set up a base in the middle of nowhere, where they proceed to shout arbitrary Bigfoot-friendly calls into the woods in hopes of luring the beast from its habitat.  For never actually seeing or hearing Bigfoot, they sure seem to think they know exactly how to make contact with it.

“I think I hear something.   It’s calling out to us.”

“I’ll call back to it (makes random Cookie-Monster sound).”

“Crap, I saw a tree branch move.  We must have scared it off.”

Well guys, while the dog howling in the distance, and the squirrel rustling the leaves on the ground are damn convincing evidence of Bigfoot, he’s not out there.  Ever.  I imagine this show could go on until the end of time (which HAS to be sooner than later with “educational” shows such as this littering the television) without these idiots finding anything.

But people will continue to watch, hooked on every gut-wrenching moment, in hopes of a few dudes just as qualified to find the Easter Bunny (which I still say is real, no matter what mom says) getting that groundbreaking blurry footage of a human sized fur covered beast moseying about the wilderness.

Nap time wasted.

Let Me Know!

Now that I’ve got a handful of pages and posts to view, I’m slowly trickling out the existence of this website to some friends.

I set up a contact form under the SAY SOMETHING! page at the top right of the menu.  Please let me know anything I can do to make this blog/site more fun for everybody!

I will be updating this site a least once just about every day for a while to get this thing the way I envision it, but if anybody has anything you’d like me to add, let me know via the SAY SOMETHING!  tab.  It goes directly to my email, which I check 20 times a day anyway, so I will definitely read it and will definitely take any ideas into consideration.

Thanks!

Adventures of Fatherhood

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